BigStar

over 3 years ago

This Week In Tabloids: Angie Has "Claws" In Johnny; Taylor Swift Sleeps In Mayer's Suite (The Defamer)

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where the stars have been busy! Angelina's plotting a vodka/pill suicide and simultaneously seducing the Depp; Taylor Swift is hooking up with John Mayer, and Reese Witherspoon's sleeping with Gerard Butler. Exhausting!

Ok!
"I Still Love Jen — But I Can't Leave The Kids!" Basically the entire story is on the cover. The mag did an interview with Ian Halperin, who wrote the unauthorized book Brangelina: The Untold Story. He's "confirmed" with "sources" that Angie and Brad have split but will do that Madonna/Guy Ritchie thing where they don't talk about it. Months from now, they'll announce that they have broken up. A source says that Brad has been telling his friends, "I'm still in love with Jen." Once, he was having a fight with Angie, and she punched him in the arm and asked, "You're still in love with Jen, aren't you?" Allegedly Shiloh covers her ears and tells them to stop fighting. As you may know, Brad recently had his beard trimmed. Dr. Gilda Carle, a shrink who does not treat Brad, says: "A beard very often signifies hiding from whatever is around you — all the people and all the problems. Trimming it suggests that he's willing to be clearer and more honest about everything that's going on in their relationship. It sends a message without confrontation." Pay attention, Santa Claus! The only other item of interest in this issue is the news that Katie Holmes has taken Suri to see Mary Poppins on Broadway twice. A source says: "Mary Poppins had Suri entranced. She was already interested in acting, because of her parents, but watching the play has made her even more determined to pursue it." Suri is three! At that age you may be determined to be an actress, but you are also determined to eat Play-Doh.
Grade: F (being ripped limb from limb by a great white shark)

Us
"Bachelor Dirty Secrets." Gross. All we had to do was turn to page 77 and see a picture of a woman wearing nothing but bikini bottoms, a Burberry scarf and Uggs to know that this story is an icky waste of time (see image 7). Moving on: Lindsay Lohan has been in discussions about starting something like The View, but geared towards teens and twenty-something women. "She thinks she can relate to young girls," says a source. When asked to comment, Lindsay told Us the TV show rumor was "not true." If you're wondering what to play for that special someone on Valentine's Day, be sure and check page 63 for Pauly D's Love Mix, which includes the tender and romantic tune "Sexy Bitch." (You know, the one that goes, "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful"?) Lastly, "Its A Situation! Can You Match The Stomach To Its Star?" is an abs quiz (see image 8).
Grade: F (getting attacked and rolled underwater by a crocodile)

Life & Style
"Carrie's Dream Wedding." Carrie Underwood's engagement means the editors can plan their idea of her dream wedding. The mag asked some of Carrie's fave designers for sketches of wedding gowns they would make for her if asked, and interviewed her stylist and Constantine Maroulis from Idol for random quotes and imagined a guest list (Randy Jackson, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban.) In a word: Snooze. Moving on: Katie Holmes went out to dinner when she was in Utah for the Sundance Film Festival, so the story here is about how she "broke free" and had a glass of wine. Praise Xenu! After being Photoshopped on Ok!, Kourtney Kardashian would like for you to know: "I haven't lost the baby weight and I'm not in any rush." Sadie's post was mentioned in this story! Also inside: John Mayer is still calling Jennifer Aniston. Someone overheard her telling friends at dinner that John's on tour and has all this extra time on his hands, so he calls her. The source says Jen isn't even flattered by the attention and doesn't give a crap. Paraphrasing here! Lastly: Even though Brad and Angie were affectionate at the DGA awards, when he would fill his glass with wine, she would glare at him pointedly. Then he'd put the glass down... But drink it later.
Grade: F (being bitten, shredded and dismembered by wild dogs)

In Touch
"Angelina Threatens Brad."
Brad is "living" in his "bachelor pad" in the Hollywood Hills — you know, the house other news outlets claim he purchased to expand the Jolie-Pitt compound — and an "insider" says: "Angelina calls Brad at weird hours and sobs and screams for so long it's been waking her whole house up. She screamed the other night that she would rather not live than see him go back to Jen." Angie's rep denies the story, but the story goes on! Angelina also called Brad and told him she'd taken half a bottle of sleeping pills, and that she'd swallow the rest with a bottle of vodka. "Brad raced over to the house, frantic," says the insider, "but she was just sitting there with the twins, watching films as if nothing had happened." Mind games! Meanwhile, Angie is "drowning her sorrows in white wine" and "barely eating," living on "vitamins, coffee and fruit." The mag claims: "Ever since Brad moved into his bachelor pad, he has been calling Jen dozens of times a day." Riiiiight. Next: Katie Holmes has been telling "everyone" that she will get pregnant this year. The magazine asks, "Is she showing already?" even though she is not pregnant (see image 9)! The next page, titled "Baby Fever!" has pictures of Khloe Kardashian with a slight curve to her abdomen and Eva Longoria wearing baggy clothes, along with speculations about their respective uteri. Also inside: Jennifer Garner is worried about Ben Affleck being back on the booze. A source claims that Taylor Swift was seen "getting cozy" in a recording studio with John Mayer. She was sitting in his lap, with her arms around him, and was talking in his ear. A source also claims that Taylor recently spent the night in John's hotel suite — she even ordered mid-morning room service! Since John writes for Gawker now, perhaps he will comment? Reese Witherspoon had a dinner date with Hollywood agent Him Toth, and "it took them forever to say goodbye." There are dark, fuzzy stakeout pictures of Reese and the dude kissing good night, but it appears that she merely kissed the air near his cheek, as is Hollywood custom. One thing we do like in this issue? Celebrity kids in tutus (See image 10)! Finally, in a Photoshop Of Horrors mindfuck, we present "How Experts Say The Stars Would Look Without Surgery." Poorly done — lines in bizarre places — and the message here seems to be, thank God they had surgery — the alternative is worse. Which is bullshit (see <a href="http://jezebel.com/5463398//gallery/gallery/11"image 11).
Grade: D- (clawed by tigers)

Star
"Angie & Johnny!" This story is littered with catty and animalistic references to Angie, like "Angelina Jolie has sunk her claws into Johnny Depp." She has also "set a trap to snare him" and there's nothing ...